Wow my first ever blog post,
My year didn't start off to well and the issues that arose were being piled off into a corner of my mind and I kept that corner locked away.. I had too, or did I? I don't know, perhaps Ill work it out soon.
Tonight I attended a local church event with an old friend that I hadn't seen for a long time, we both felt great and excited about going as it was at the church we were regular attenders of in 2004 - 2012, there was a chance for me to see a lot of familiar faces that we had both missed and I'm often asked 'why haven't you been coming to church for such a long time?'. Well the answer is - I felt lonely, in a room of over 400 people where there were so many people I could turn to, to talk, I didn't. I turned away from everyone, including God. I asked the question that every human being would ask - why does God let suffering occur. It was hard seeing someone you love become Ill and going through pain and suffering so I turned away from all things to do with God. It felt so easy for me to do this than to bother other people/Christians for help or guidance.
Picture this, two swans head to head - they form a love heart, but this can only be seen for a split second as they are so quick to move and will only let you see it quickly, trust me I tried to get pictures before nearly getting attacked.
But If you think about it, God is always the swan ready to put his head to yours, but are you ready to turn yours to his? The love heart is always half ready - Gods half. Your the missing piece that God wants you to piece together. He always will love you and never leaves you.
Its so easy to face 'God' in worship and sing songs like 'You're Beautiful' but I was confused tonight, the first time being back in church environment 'trying' to worship and asking myself, who's there, who's listening? I saw pictures of the loved one I lost last month in my head and didn't understand why I was giving God a second chance. Seems silly that I should be so selfish of myself to think about being in charge and giving God a second chance when he has been my creator and given me the paths to follow in life, getting me where I want to be and where I'm happy. Its hard though.
I found a post when I got home from the event that explained the best way to grieve using the words guide instead of the worlds way. It was really useful and would recommend any people grieving to give it a read.
The best part of the evening was speaking to so many familiar faces and catch up on everything that's happened since last year and to see how successful everyone is doing and how happy the atmosphere was at the church that I once loved. Its weird though, I never felt a loss when I chose to stop attending but I felt that loss tonight - I accepted that God makes his decisions and we cannot change them we can only take the best from every decision he makes - in my case I will live in testimony with the things I learnt from my relative that passed away last month and will enjoy every day as it comes. We only get one life so lets live it.
That's it from me tonight, I'm off the bed, back to work in the morning after a long week off :)
My year didn't start off to well and the issues that arose were being piled off into a corner of my mind and I kept that corner locked away.. I had too, or did I? I don't know, perhaps Ill work it out soon.
Tonight I attended a local church event with an old friend that I hadn't seen for a long time, we both felt great and excited about going as it was at the church we were regular attenders of in 2004 - 2012, there was a chance for me to see a lot of familiar faces that we had both missed and I'm often asked 'why haven't you been coming to church for such a long time?'. Well the answer is - I felt lonely, in a room of over 400 people where there were so many people I could turn to, to talk, I didn't. I turned away from everyone, including God. I asked the question that every human being would ask - why does God let suffering occur. It was hard seeing someone you love become Ill and going through pain and suffering so I turned away from all things to do with God. It felt so easy for me to do this than to bother other people/Christians for help or guidance.
Picture this, two swans head to head - they form a love heart, but this can only be seen for a split second as they are so quick to move and will only let you see it quickly, trust me I tried to get pictures before nearly getting attacked.
But If you think about it, God is always the swan ready to put his head to yours, but are you ready to turn yours to his? The love heart is always half ready - Gods half. Your the missing piece that God wants you to piece together. He always will love you and never leaves you.
Its so easy to face 'God' in worship and sing songs like 'You're Beautiful' but I was confused tonight, the first time being back in church environment 'trying' to worship and asking myself, who's there, who's listening? I saw pictures of the loved one I lost last month in my head and didn't understand why I was giving God a second chance. Seems silly that I should be so selfish of myself to think about being in charge and giving God a second chance when he has been my creator and given me the paths to follow in life, getting me where I want to be and where I'm happy. Its hard though.
I found a post when I got home from the event that explained the best way to grieve using the words guide instead of the worlds way. It was really useful and would recommend any people grieving to give it a read.
The best part of the evening was speaking to so many familiar faces and catch up on everything that's happened since last year and to see how successful everyone is doing and how happy the atmosphere was at the church that I once loved. Its weird though, I never felt a loss when I chose to stop attending but I felt that loss tonight - I accepted that God makes his decisions and we cannot change them we can only take the best from every decision he makes - in my case I will live in testimony with the things I learnt from my relative that passed away last month and will enjoy every day as it comes. We only get one life so lets live it.
That's it from me tonight, I'm off the bed, back to work in the morning after a long week off :)
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